Healing from Anxiety: A Conversation with Dr. Steph, Former NASA Psychologist | 122

So I'm so excited. Listen in. Good morning, everyone. I am so pleased to introduce our guest today. Dr. Steph is a healing coach and she has such an interesting story. This conversation may take some twists and turns, but you guys know that. That's pretty much always what happens. So welcome, Dr. Steph.

Stephanie: Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited to be on today.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yes. I'm a former NASA psychologist. I worked there for eight years.

So most of the time when people hear that, they're like, wait a second, how did you get from there to here? And A portion of what I was doing at NASA has a large overlap, which tends to confuse people. And so I'll bring you up to speed really quick. I was an organizational development consultant, and I did a lot of leadership coaching.

And when doing leadership coaching, it was almost always about the leadership. the leader and their self awareness and their self accountability and their self acceptance and how they could overcome fear and, have hard conversations and all of this. And so there was some healing that needed to be done in order for them to really step up.

Walking in. I had these moments several times a year where I actually felt broken. On the outside, I felt, I looked like I had it all together. Everybody was like, Oh yeah, what did you write, get raised and like by Martha Stewart. Literally, I got comments like that. And on the inside I was dealing with anxiety.

I'm like, I want to help people that felt like I did. I don't want anybody to feel like they're broken and to be struggling with anxiety and perfectionism when they don't have to.

Trish: I love that so much because I think that as you were talking, I was thinking that a lot of us just accept those, the emotional turmoil and those different things as our normal and maybe thinking.

So what do you do now?

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. So now I work with clients who struggle with high function and anxiety. Many of them have, basically all of them have one of three things happening for them. They were raised by an emotionally immature parent or a narcissistic parent or maybe one that struggled with substance abuse or something like that.

And so there's a lot of trauma that they've been through and a lot of healing necessary today. And so the work that I do with them is to guide them through that so that they're not dealing with that anymore. Not that we're not going to have hard things come up. But what shocked me through my healing journey is hard stuff can happen and I can remain grounded.

Think here's a quick metaphor. Do you ever remember learning what a chair was? No, but there was a time that you didn't know what a chair was, and so it's very possible that what I'm suggesting could be true for you as well.

And it's been really incredible to see and experience with them. But one of the things that has been so powerful for me is such a simple trick, I don't know. I saw it. I think it was Mel Robbins, I think he said, and it's count, like counting backwards to five or another, so for those of you guys listening if it's something you're having to do, or maybe you don't want to do, or you're struggling with anxiety about doing something, you count down five, four, three, two, one up, like you get up and you do it.

Everybody knows this. Yeah. Yeah. So his thing was, okay, what's the next step? What's the next step? And then I heard, I believe it was Mel Robbins. So the next step really helped me. Okay, I don't have to focus on everything that has to get done. You don't have to figure out A through Z.

Stephanie: I gave a client that advice this morning who were like, one thing.

Trish: Just so you guys listening know, little Tula, everybody who follows me knows Tula, she is in my office today and being very clingy and whiny. So if you hear her, I'm so sorry. Anyway, the next best thing really helped me. But then I heard someone say, and now I can't remember who, but they said, tell yourself, I am the type of person who, and so when I was really struggling with anxiety and worry about the what ifs and all the things, I would say, okay, I'm the type of person who shows up.

Because not everybody can afford a healing coach or even therapy in general. Yeah. So what are some practical little nuggets that you have?

Stephanie: Yeah. One simple thing that most people do not realize is that they are using the word anxiety to label a whole slew of emotions. And especially when being raised by an emotionally immature parent, the emotional vocabulary of people is limited.

But what else am I feeling? Because anxiety actually tends to be suppressed emotions. So where you are actually not allowing yourself to feel other things. And the important part is when you look at that emotion wheel and oh, there's something else here, what you do about it could be totally different.

Like glass ball, meaning if I drop it, it's going to break. Like most things, they don't have to happen today.

Trish: And I love the glass ball. That's fantastic. Yes.

Stephanie: Thank you. And now I just intentionally drop the plastic balls because it doesn't really matter. And the old me would have been like building it up and catastrophizing and worst case scenario and like, no, I have to.

And I had this moment one time where I got sick and it was not too long before I had a presentation that I was going to be doing. And I. I was so worried about all these things in life, and then also prepping for this presentation. And then when I got sick and really couldn't do any of it, I realized that nothing really mattered because everything just got pushed to the right.

Trish: I love that so much. One of the things that I learned early on when I created the membership, I took a membership course. Yeah. And the lady said their urgency is never your emergency.

Yes. And that was so freeing for my team and I because we would get caught up in that urgency and feel like, Oh my gosh, we've got to fix this for them. Yeah. We set the pattern that. we will respond, but in our time and how, and we didn't let it become our emergency. So I love that so much. But I also, as you were talking, because my children have both been in therapy pretty consistently for the last few years.

Stephanie: It can take practice and that's where having someone external to you, it does help a lot.

So in that case you would ask,

Trish: and you would what, ask like clarifying questions like to dig deep as to what they're feeling?

Stephanie: Yeah. And usually because I've been doing this so long, I can recognize pretty quickly. And then they're like, yeah, that is what I'm feeling. And then they feel very safe.

Trish: I know my husband will always say to me when I'm like, I'm feeling, anxious or overwhelmed and he'll be like, what are you what are you saying to yourself inside there? What is it that's on repeat? And I'll I've begun to be better at recognizing oh wow. Yeah.

Because a lot of times. It doesn't matter. Our what ifs are like, Oh yeah, even if that does happen, like I'll handle it.

Stephanie: You're exactly. Yes. Even if it does happen, I can cope. And most people are like, wait a second, but I don't just want to cope. And it's yes you do. Because when you, without a shadow of a doubt, know in your entire body and your entire system that you can cope, you fly.

Because nothing gets in the way anymore. Because even if that worst case scenario happens, I've got this. And I don't have to resist this and fight this. And I'm speaking from where I was because I refer to myself as someone who used to fight life. And I don't hear anybody else using that term. They'll say Oh, just surrender.

When you're not surrendering, you are fighting life.

Stephanie: Yes, and it can be.

It's so possible. And so one of the things, like just a simple, I like to do, deep inner work, but also practical things. I take, because both are important. Practically, take a look at your life and all the things that you are afraid of happening and all the things that you catastrophize and you're like, Oh my gosh I just don't know if this is going to work out.

Write it all down and then go through each one. what ended up happening. And when I do this myself, when I've had my clients do it, it's 98 percent of the time it worked out fine or better. Or better. Yes. So your mind needs that concrete evidence to prove to yourself, it is okay, everything is

Trish: okay.

I knew what I was doing is, was impactful and important. Yeah. And I remember. And I can put myself back in this moment so vividly. The emotions were so strong. And one of his things was making me feel that I could not survive on my own. We had been together since we were babies. And we were sitting there and all of a sudden he was telling me you're gonna, we had just built our dream home.

It was gorgeous and everything I wanted and I remember him saying you're not going to be able to have this house, and you're not going to have this, and you're not going to have that. And I started getting really in my head, and one of my friends was like, what is a house if it's not a home?

Oh, I'm so proud of you. I just look back and like I was so gripped in fear of the unknown, because I only knew this life with him. And then. just this feeling of I won't be able to survive, but I did. And like you said, it was even better. Like things were so much better. Yes.

Stephanie: Yes. That is so damaging.

Trish: Oh, I was stuck there for 27 years. Now I look back and I'm like, the thing about it that is so mind blowing to me is that I, don't understand how I believe the things he told me about myself because my character and my life accomplishments testified otherwise. Otherwise, yeah. But I believed him, like I truly believed who he said I was.

Yes. Yes. I think it, I really truly believe it's one of the hardest things to break free from.

Stephanie: I agree. Yeah. It really can be. But I love

Trish: what you're doing. And I love that. For those of you guys listening, I think. Part of the problem, though, is recognizing that maybe your mother was narcissistic or what you experienced was not normal, because that was the hardest part for me is that when I left him, I did believe all the things he said about me, but he did things that, you know.

a wife should not have to deal with. And that was the breaking straw. It wasn't the narcissistic abuse. That took me time and away from him to realize it was abuse. And I think that is one of the things I see as a huge challenge is that these women that you work with, not the women you work with, the women you need to work with don't even realize from their mother.

Trish: exciting that our mother knows best. That's the saying.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. Some signs in case anyone's listening and they haven't considered it or they're like, is she? I'll just go over a few. There's quite a few. But, one is self centered, so talking about herself constantly. Conversations are not actually conversations, they're one sided. It's basically I'm being talked at, trying to top your feelings with her own, lacking empathy for your feelings at all as well. If you've ever gone to Hallmark and tried to buy a card for your mom and you're like, this is just lies and you can't, that could be a sign.

We can keep going, but I think this gives some clarity and some signs. Yeah. Yeah.

Trish: And I, as you're talking, I think as a mother, sometimes we struggle with some of those things on occasion. Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie: There's a continuum.

Trish: Yeah. Yeah. Because I know that when I was in the height of my abuse, it was very hard for me to be present for anyone in my life, but Yeah.

So those, I think those are really clear. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure for any of you guys listening, we really, I really would say that being raised by a narcissistic mother, you would need to work on those things and heal those things. Because if that was taught to you as normalcy, you might carry that into your parenting journey.

I'm brushing things under the rugs. The rug is really common as well appearing phony. But yeah, if you are raised by a narcissist or an emotionally immature parent, we'll just focus on narcissists right now, the likelihood that you have carried on at least some of that is high. So for me, some of the things that were really common is, were heavy defense mechanisms.

I thought, now let me give an example. When I was, Going for my interview at NASA, I was waiting because they had a few interviews that day and I was waiting, outside the door and I told the women who were sitting there, I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. And they were like, just be yourself.

And I didn't say this to them, but the immediate thing that happened for me is I can't be myself because I thought the bad parts of me were who I was. Like, that's what I believed and it's no, all of those not so shiny parts and quote unquote bad parts and things that I felt shame around, those were defense mechanisms.

Trish: I love that so much, and I think even a step further, having lived with narcissism in such an intimate way, is that the good things, the strong things about you are so warped and you're told there that it's bad and it's labeled as certain.

So then you think those strong things. are bad things. And so it really is a healing journey, like you said, to realize wait, I did that because I was in a state of defense all the time. Yeah. And that actually is a really good character over here. This is a good thing about me. I know for myself, anytime I set up boundaries, then I was accused of being selfish.

Stephanie: Yes. Yes. I should have said that one.

Tell the kids they can't come in for two hours while I watch a movie by myself. I truly believe that was unacceptable behavior because there are no boundaries with narcissists. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And anytime you put up a boundary, then you're, you're selfish. If you, even if you say this is mine, I don't want to share it.

Yeah. But you also, and I want to talk about this, you also mentioned surrogacy. So tell me that.

Stephanie: Yes. Okay. I have had the desire to be a surrogate since I first got pregnant. I had a friend who struggled with infertility for six years and another friend for eight years, multiple miscarriages, and it was just on my heart.

Trish. I was just like, I'll be your surrogate. And she said, yes. So she thought I was joking. Yeah. Okay. So I don't know if I'm pregnant yet. Last week we did the embryo transfer. So that was beginning of January and now we're recording this June 10th. And on Friday, I will know, which is four days from now.

I'm dying. Do you follow

Like what a gift. You are amazing.

Stephanie: Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. I really hope that this embryo sticks and develops into a healthy pregnancy. I can't wait to find out for sure. Oh my goodness. That is incredible. I

Trish: love that. Thank you. We've had quite a few surrogate moms in our community and it's such a beauty.

I wish I would I was pregnant a lot, so I wouldn't have had time to do it probably because I was pregnant so often, but it's definitely something I would have done because I love being pregnant and I'm such a weirdo. I love giving birth. I love it too. I try to teach you. This is what I tell the people you can actually love your birth experience you can love labor.

It really is all about mindset.

Stephanie: Yes.

And they get a group text with me and two doulas from 36 weeks to eight weeks pregnant. Wow. The reason I'm saying that is because we're able to work on their mindset intimately and help them navigate so they're not making fear based decisions and understanding what's being said. And on average, my students get to the hospital at seven to eight centimeters.

Wow. Is that not incredible? Yes. And then it's not like a lot of people listening that aren't my student are probably thinking seven to eight centimeters are probably freaking out and pulling their hair and screaming. But they're not. Most of the time they get there and they're like, wait, what? They hear me say that most of my students do that.

But then when it's them, they can't believe it's not like they think that they're seven to eight. They think they're even thinking, gosh, should I have come? Am I really is it time? And they're seven to eight centimeters. Yeah.

Trish: No, it's mindset. It really is. I tell people this all the time.

Like you can actually love your birth. Yes.

Stephanie: Yes. I totally agree. I do unmedicated deliveries and feel very calm during labor and delivery. And I want everybody to know that's possible. Me too.

Trish: Yeah. And I'm not saying that all of you guys need to go unmedicated. I went unmedicated with all of mine as well.

But. Yeah. You can have that still and labor at home and have a beautiful laboring experience even if your plan is an epidural. But you get to the hospital at seven to eight centimeters with, especially with your first, you've got plenty of time to get an epidural. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you choose.

And I had some hard births. Don't get me wrong. My daughter Lainey was face up straight OP. It was hell, but I still loved it.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Trish: But, so I love that and I can't wait to hear the news. Thank you. But I was, I also, so we can all follow the updates, can you tell everyone where they can find you if they're interested in diving deeper with you?

Yes. And also to follow your content on Instagram because I'm sure you do some education on there as well.

Stephanie: Yep. Best place to find me is on Instagram. My handle is Dr. Stephanie Lopez, DR Stephanie Lopez, and I have a podcast. The name is the Broken knit Brave Podcast with Dr. Steph, and I do up updates all the time in my stories about surrogacy and then somewhat on my feed, and then occasionally on the podcast.

Stephanie: already have that desire

Trish: in your heart.

Stephanie: It gets even better.

And I live in the South and I was like, I'm going to adopt from Russia. That way she won't feel different or any of that. I knew I was going to do a girl, want a girl because I had four boys. And so I started filling out all this information. I kept getting all these magazines and stuff. And on them, I'm seeing these dark hair, dark skinned girls.

And my heart just kept I don't even, I can't even explain it. So then I was really like, okay, which agency? Cause there were so many and I prayed about it and I was led to this one. And so I called them and on my interview with them, It was with another parent, they had parents call people who were interested so you could talk to them and talk about their experience or whatever.

Yeah. That's so beautiful. I think that's incredible and make sure you're journaling that because I'm probably saying things wrong right now. That's why it's been, she's 23 or 24 now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I have it all written down because one day you'll be fuzzy, but thank you so much for coming.

Can you tell me like what are your like offerings or like what is it that you offer to women who are looking for healing?

Stephanie: Yes, I have a group program and it's six months long that you get all the healing that you need. It comes with a two day in person retreat, which expedites. the progress. And then I also offer a separate five day in person retreat, which after people come they're like, Oh my God, I learned more than in 10 years of therapy.

Trish: The problem with therapy, and I don't know if you've seen Jonah Hill's that his Dr. Stutz or whatever it is, have you seen this?

No. So he has a documentary that he made with his therapist and his therapist is completely out of the box, but he says in there that you go to your therapist wanting them to tell you what to do. And they don't. And then you go to your friends, wanting them to listen, and they tell you what to do.

You're like, you're dumb friends, and it's so true. And they don't know. Yeah. And they don't know. And it's so true with therapy. Sometimes you just want someone to give you practical steps on how to handle it and not just listen.

Stephanie: That's what I do, give practical steps. I bring in three pillars.

That's everything that they need that I use now all of my clients have used to

Trish: heal. So do they need to be a part of your community for the five day or the three day or is that? They can come to the, they can come to those separately. Yeah. Okay. That's what I was wondering. All right. Thank you so much for being here today.

Wow, what a powerful episode. I hope you guys learned something so valuable. Please hit subscribe, leave a review. It means so very much to me. And as always, I will see you again next Friday. Bye for now.