Taking Control of Your Birth: Empowering Moms Through Education and Advocacy | 151

I'm here to help you take the guesswork out of childbirth so you can make the choices that are right for you and your baby. Quick note, this podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace your medical advice. Check out our full disclaimer at the bottom of the show notes.

You did. You did. Okay. Good. Good. Okay. So she is going to be joining us. And sharing her story, which is so much like my story. So I'm super excited. Say hello, Colette.

Colette: Hi. Hi, Trish. Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for having me on. I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of years now. And when you reached out to me, because I got, I started my little presence on social media when I decided to start my friends, a nurse, and you reached out to me to join

Trish: I, I love this so much because we obviously talk about pregnancy and birth on this podcast.

But we are all so much more than just mom or wife or nurse. And I love that because that's what's so amazing. And I love. Like, just life right now in general, because we have so many opportunities. But what I really, really love about this conversation today is that you are going to help me solidify to my listeners that I'm not off the chain.

Colette: Sure, I would love to. So even in my bachelor program, so this was about seven years ago, I knew that as a nurse and as a woman, And just as a person in society that we needed to do more for our moms. Not only in labor, but postpartum and just support in general, and I started researching this seven years ago, so it wasn't it.

And giving great customer service because the hospitals are very much on top of us about that as well because it is a business at the end of the day. So, you know, I got really good at that and it wasn't until I started travel nursing and I know you travel nurse too. Yeah. So when you start traveling around and you start seeing how other hospitals and nurses do things and with such intensity, it gave me a pause.

Or starting an augmentation, which is You know, they come in labor and then they want to give you more medicine to speed it up. But why? So I asked, started asking why so much that it became an overwhelming, it became overwhelmingly obvious that things were not run correctly. And then when I saw how they were treating women, because I had that pause when it came to the.

Autonomy over our bodies as women in birth, and they just robbed us of it so often, the disrespect, the coercion, just the list goes on. And it started becoming very hard to go to work and mind you, you know, we work really long hours and I was working night shifts. So it took a lot for me to get through a shift to leave my family.

Yeah, or or just advocating for the patient and I try to do it away from the the room and so it's not in front of them but sometimes it's in front of them because I have to ask the question that no one is asking and it can get defensive and so I started walking into work and this was probably my last real contract and it was about a year ago and I was getting heart palpitations my I It was, they were, my heart was racing.

All the patients were on this checklist of needing certain things at a certain time, not individualized. And then I was having another confrontation. I'm like, Oh, this is why, this is why I'm, I'm not, my body is physically responding to the stress of this. The system, right? And I can't even fault any single person.

It's the whole system and mind you, I still work in the hospital. Now I work once a week and I'm not on staff. I'm just in registry, but I'm able to kind of still step away and save my own sanity while still appreciating what we do in the hospital, which is provide a safe care. And that's, I'm kind of quoting that, put my little quotations, safe environment for families to have their baby, right?

But I am full time now in my friends nurse, just like you. You've been such a motivation for me to just get off my booty and start catching women and families before they get to the hospital. Because I can, we can only do so much at the bedside. I can only say so much. I can only stand up for them so much.

Please. So I'm just getting in line and joining the army of birth workers out here to shout from the rooftops and try to educate them so that they can have a joyous and safe birth in a hospital or wherever they choose.

Trish: I love that. And for those of you guys listening, what's really important to note is that we're saying before you get to bedside, because like Colette said, no matter how passionate your nurse is and amazing she is, we are, our hands are tied to a huge extent because we have to follow the doctor's orders.

And the only one in the room, Who can really refuse things and accept things is you. So if you're not educated, our hands are tied. Wouldn't you

I may be arguing with him or her behind. Right? Or just respectfully. This is still our work environment. We need to have some kind of camaraderie and respect for each other. We cannot refuse something for you, even if we know it's It's, it's probably not beneficial or they're not informing you correctly or enough.

So yeah, we can only, we can only stand up for you so much and I, there's so much eye contact going on with my mom sometimes like, yeah, there's little looks. Yeah, this little looks like, like, all wide eyed, like, please just listen, like, ask more questions, ask for time, remember what we just talked about, and then I'll explain more later.

They really are passionate about the policies and protocols and their doctors, and they only know what they know. And, and let's be clear, for the most part, most, most of the nurses that I've ever met, And doctors for the most well, not all of them, but want and have your best interests in mind. They, they want you to leave the hospital with your baby healthy and they're going to suggest and recommend anything.

I have these workshops now and I just stress how important our voice is in labor and delivery. And sometimes it's a vocal voice and sometimes it's just our voice that we have communicated with our partner ahead of time or with our team so that they can speak up for us. But we need advocates, we need the right team around us and we cannot go in just relying on having a nurse like me or you, that have done the outside research and that really understand.

Can step back and allow you to, to make decisions, share this true shared decision making, and they're so wonderful to work with. But unfortunately, you don't always know if you're your OB or your midwife is going to be that person until it's time to deliver and. You're kind of shooting, shooting in the dark sometimes, so you have to communicate, build the right team around you.

You know, one out of, how many in the last 10 deliveries, how many were C sections? How do they use episiotomies? What would you do if I had to push for three hours? Would you continue letting me push? No, we're not going to continue. No, no, no, I would never. Okay, so if they're very like, Strict on their parameters or if they're more open ended, you want to know that some people want a doctor that's very like, you know, strict and by the book and they feel very safe that way, more power to them, but you're never going to know unless you have that dialogue and really start getting to know your provider and maybe you can't change your provider after you find that out, but at least you're going to go with some expectations so that you're not completely blindsided or disappointed when it comes to I know it's not a lot right there.

Let's just kind of play out some scenarios. What are your suggestions? Let's say mama is, you know, she's not taken my birth class or done your coaching. She's not had all of that and she finds herself. with a labor nurse who, let's start with the nurse, who isn't listening, who isn't respecting her wishes, who she doesn't feel is advocating her, but is condescending because we both know that happens.

What do you suggest?

You have every right to ask for a new nurse. And if you want your partner to go ahead and do that, go for it. But if you just be like, Hey, can I get a charge nurse in here and switch nurses? Because I just don't have a good vibe with her. If you have more time, I would always. I do this myself with my coworkers and my nurses, try to ask, build a conversation, stop everything, ask, hey, are you having a bad day?

Let's say it's your heart. Thank you. Your best friend is in the room and you wanted her there the whole time. Lo and behold, she is annoying. She is like breathing in your face. She's like making these weird baby sounds. And you're like, girl, you have to learn and practice this before you go into labor.

But learn to Speak up and really have a time out and communicate like girl. What is going on with you right now? I can't handle the breathing or the baby voice. I love you so much, but I need you to just. Like, get it together. I mean, maybe some quiet, what can you do? And then give her some things, like, can you just get me water and maybe just like, if I need this, and if you prepare ahead of time, like a list of things that you need, then that's going to be conversations going to be easier.

Like, what's your name again? Okay. Listen, Judy. I'm just feeling this weird disconnect. Are you having a good day? Are you ready to be here for me? Because this is what I need. And then you have some expectations set for her. I need you to just be supportive. Have my back. I need you to advocate. And I need you to tell me what you're doing before you do things.

And then of course, I'm a big advocate for the birth plan because we can use that as a communication tool. So you can then grab it. Hey, can we just talk about my birth plan? And if you're not vibing with my plan or you don't feel comfortable with it, then maybe you can have another nurse take over, you know, have them choose and then go over the birth plan with her.

And I guess I took it out on you. And I'm so sorry. Like, I'm I want to be here. I want to listen to you. Let's, let's do this. And you don't know how many times I have seen, because I do this with co workers when they're being like kind of nasty, like during shift change. I'm like, are you okay? Can we talk about it first?

Can we take two minutes to just. figure out what's going on with you, and it switch, a light switches. And I think it would happen with nurses too. We want to take care of you and be good. We're type A personalities.

Trish: Yeah, this is exactly what I tell my students as well. It, exact, that number one, if your nurse is, like you said, not vibing with you, they're being condescending, or you just feel in the air that they're not supporting you.

And if that's not you, that's fine. And I always tell my students, one of two things happen, will happen. One, she'll act like an ass and the right decision and, and don't worry that you're, and I put this in quotes, that you're that patient because the rest of us nurses know her too. And you're going to get the best nurse on the floor because like Colette said, customer service ratings are very important to the hospital and most patients don't speak up.

And I always prayed and was like, okay, God lift this from me because I want to like be there for her. But there were times it was really heavy and maybe my demeanor was off and I'm a really good nurse and I love my patients. So same for me. If a patient said that to me, I probably would go in the bathroom and cry for a minute, but I would 100 percent be there.

And so, you know, even the best of nurses. We have light, we have life, like there's life going on, you know, so should they bring it into the floor? No, but we all do. And I'm sure you, whoever's listening, you've brought in your bag day to work before too. So I think that is fantastic advice because it treats your whole situation.

It really does. It really does. And I know Colette and I both have worked with nurses where we're like, Oh God, like, I feel so bad for her patients. So. And if people don't complain, if people don't call them out on bad behavior, it just continues for the rest of the moms. It's got to change. Like it just has to change.

Colette: Yeah. Some of these doctors, it's their way or their highway. And they will make you feel like they're going to leave you or that your baby's going to die or just something traumatic, which is just like talk about keeping fight or flight at bay, like a doctor can cause more stress on you than anybody, unfortunately, because they may be coming from a place of fear or stress themselves.

So they don't have time for this and we need to help your baby because this and this and your nurses may be both saying, but I can change her positions and we can do this if we could just have more time and dah, dah, dah. But the nurses like, again, I can beg them and half the time they'll listen to me like fine.

Okay. But if it comes from the patient, they can't say anything. If you can ask for more. So I always like to say, keep it simple. Is this an emergency? Is my, is my baby. Okay. Is, am I okay? Like right now, not an hour and a half from now. Yeah. I was like, cause you're making me feel like it's something I have to do this second.

Like, can we have a few hours? Start there. Oh no, not a few hours. Maybe I'll give you an hour. But it's better than 15 minutes, right? And then in an hour Then you say, okay, great in an hour. Let's revisit this conversation. You're not agreeing to anything. You're saying let's revisit this conversation. And is there anything else I need to know while I make this decision or we talk about it?

No, I'll try to think of something else. And then they'll casually leave for an hour. Maybe they'll give you an hour. How many times do they say an hour? And it's like four hours later, they come in. Like, I guess it wasn't that big. And then in the meantime, you have that time to. Work with your nurse, get in other positions.

I'm exhausted. You know, maybe it was a c section that was on the table. You didn't have to make that decision right then and there. You just ask for more time. Maybe you have another hour. You can until the doctor gets back and then 15 minutes. You're like, Hey, you know what? I think he's right. Let's go with it.

A bit of trauma or like negative feelings. And a labor that, and a birth that was empowering and you were in control and like you said, we don't want a birth that was done to us. We want to be involved in this conversation. So yeah, ask for more time. And of course, ask if it's, if you have an, if you're in an emergency, you don't need to ask.

There's no, you're going to have five nurses in the room. Here's the doctor, tutor, doctor. You're going to know it's an emergency. There won't be much conversation. Yeah, that's what

Trish: I tell my moms too. This is where I was saying, have the conversations early and often. And then when you're having the conversations, watch the body language.

And I love that we're talking about this. And, and I don't want to scare you guys. I want to empower you guys because I have so many students that come into the VBAC lab and I'm picturing them specifically right now, some of them, that with their first delivery, they, they did go into a fight or flight.

And of course, we know when that happens, your labor slows down, it doesn't progress, then your failure to progress, and then they want to take you back to the OR. And I can't tell you how many of my students that were told they had to have a c section that the baby wasn't going to come out and that this is going to be an emergency only.

And I love that. We just want to remind you guys as you guys are listening. This is why Colette and I both are so passionate about educating and I'm going to have Colette tell you guys where you can find her in just a moment. I love her and I love her business. She's, like I said, she's inside of my business coaching group and I, I know her heart and soul for you guys.

They have an option when it comes to how they handle what their doctor is suggestion, suggesting. Anyway, go, could go off on that for hours. I want to keep this short and sweet. You guys know I like to keep the podcast short and sweet because I know you guys, you can't sit still long. So Colette, tell everyone where they can find you.

Colette: Yes, my, I am, my handle everywhere is my friends a nurse. So I'm on Instagram, TikTok. Just started my YouTube. You can go to my website, myfriendsnurse. com. And I just started my own podcast. Inspired by you called the birth link podcast. And you can get that anywhere you listen to podcasts. So thank you so much, Trish.

This is so amazing to be on here.

It's the power of the voice on your birth plan It's the power of the voice that you speak to your partner If you're like she said your partner has you know during labor your only job is to labor now Your partner has to speak up, but they have to speak up knowing exactly what it is You want how you want it and why?

They have to know your why. Okay you guys, I will see you again next Friday. Bye for now!